Working with Perspective

A new way to look at your difficult circumstances

By Yaara Lokits

Our perspective, the way we look at things as they arise, not only is determined by the way we were raised, our genetics and circumstances, but also how we feel at a certain moment in time.

You may have noticed, when feeling low, angry, tired, anxious or sad, all you are able to see is your suffering. Let's take anger as an example. Did it ever happen to you when you were angry, all you were able to do was ruminate? Going through this infuriating experience in your mind over and over again? Reliving this experience? You’re not alone.

Is there something we can do in the short and long term in order to change our perspective on things? I believe there is. And I’ll start by sharing my strongest experience working on my perspective.

When I was 15, my parents got divorced. Following their separation, my mother met someone, moved in with him and embraced his family as her own. I was left with no support at all (physically, mentaly, financially, etc).

Until the age of 21 we weren’t talking. I tried reaching her a few times, wrote her a nine page letter and got no response. I was angry at her for leaving me. Anger that consumed a lot of my happiness and took over most of my emotions. I thought that depression is who I am. An angry and sad person. My perspective was narrow and I was only able to see myself. My pain. Although up to this point I searched for many ways to ease the pain, such as theater, nature, therapists, music, alcohol, and hurting myself, this great anger and sadness were the biggest part of my life.

Then, almost seven years later, something happened. I went to my first vipassana retreat of silence for ten days, scared that this may too lead to depression. Nevertheless a great feeling pushed me into giving it a try.

Those ten days weren’t easy. An intense emotional roller coaster. However, by the end of this process, it was clear to me that although sadness is a part of me, it is not me. And that the only person suffering from being angry is myself. My perspective widened by looking closely at every moment, every breath, every sensation as they arise, stay for a while, then dissolve.

This understanding, along with a continued practice of being aware of my emotions, while meditating and while being, grew within me (and always does). I reconnected with my mother, still hurt, but no longer angry. As my therapist once said, “We never stop wanting our parents to love us.” Sometimes I desire that my mother will change, along with a deep understanding, that is who she is. These are her capabilities. My perspective is now able to see her, and her pain, and not just my own pain.

If you still are wondering what in my story has anything to do with your life experience and perspective, I’ll elaborate and share some effective practices which help me greatly. But first, my biggest suggestion is not wishing for anything to be altered, but our awareness. Perspective will follow. If when searching for ways to widen your perspective and ease your pain, you will develop a great crave, perspective is bound to stay quite similar. Try whatever you can, while understanding every sensation has its own time, to arise and dissolve. We wish first just to notice. All you need is awareness (and love).

1. Practice compassion, by volunteering, meta meditations or calling or helping a loved one who is in need.

2. Practice widening your perspective, by thinking of other difficult situations you have experienced in the past and now are long gone, thinking what is the worst and best thing that could happen if this situation will proceed. I recommend writing it down.

3. Practice presence, some may find it while meditating, others by writing, creating or surfing.

The means are not important. Try as many ways as needed to make you feel at ease with yourself. This is your path, your life. We are all alike but not the same. Only you know what makes you feel good. Although it requires a never ending work, it is always possible to widen your perspective.

“Although you may not always be able to avoid difficult situations, you can modify the extent to which you can suffer by how you choose to respond to the situation.”

The Dalai Lama

I hope this path will bring you joy, regardless of your life’ circumstances.

Love,

Yaara